Religion didn't destroy my marriage, but it played a big part.

I received word that my divorce is finalized. We filed in September which is when I went incommunicado on the Blog, on Facebook, everything. I wanted some time for reflection. I’m not sure that I reflected enough but I need to get back to writing and I guess it’s time to write about this.

-Breathe-

Okay…

Towards the end of 2008 I found it increasingly difficult to endure the cognitive and ethical dissonance that occurred as a result of my faith in the LDS church. This was something that had been building for a while with the usual uneasiness of reading certain bible stories to my children, and so on. Those discomforts were punctuated by my deep discomfort with the bigotry I heard preached from the pulpit in support of Proposition 102 (Arizona’s version of the higher profile Prop 8 being voted on in California at the same time). I found it impossible to accept the position of the 'Prophet' on this and once you start questioning the legitimacy of the Prophet, it's hard to keep the house of cards still standing. I tried to wrestle with my doubts privately for months but it was soon clear that this was going to be a bigger process than I thought and it was time to include my wife*. Midway through 2009, I let her know that I was having a major crisis of faith. It was a struggle for us from the beginning. For those who aren’t intimately familiar with the doctrines and culture of the Mormon Church, it may be hard to understand how deeply emotional and profoundly, eternally consequential this struggle would have been—but understand that there are few things that could pose a greater threat.

For many months, while I worked on resolving my doubts, she worked on reconciling herself with the fundamental change she thought she saw happening in her life-partner, praying for it to go back to how it was supposed to be. We had inspirational and terrifying discussions. We went to counseling. We dug deep into the foundations of our relationship and found that without the church we were one very shaky ground. Crucial issues like trust, acceptance, worth and equality, security, value systems, joined our now-divergent worldviews as sources of conflict instead of unity. Most of these issues existed before my departure from the faith, and I'm sad to say some were deeply aggravated by it. I can't lay all of that exclusively at the feet of the religion. I can however, say with certainty that had religion not established itself as the true source of ethics and morality that issues like trust and acceptance might not increased as issues we had to work through.

We spent well over a year working through those conflicts as more and more were exposed. I worked with the Bishop and others to reclaim my faith. I went to individual counseling. I finally asked to be released as Elders Quorum President and stopped going to church altogether sometime early to mid 2010. Angelica* and I worked at it for several more months after that. Finally we separated early this year.

In the end we didn’t come to the same conclusion about what the consequences were for issues we faced. I was the one that finally decided that we needed to end it. Angelica disagreed with me; I think she still does, but I wasn’t the first to give up on us—just the first to stick to the decision. I had spent tears on the other side of that threat plenty during the months prior.

One of the things I had to relearn was something that we both knew from the beginning; we even talked about it when we got engaged. It is this: Love isn’t the most important part in making a marriage work—it’s not even the second most important part—and love can’t keep you together by itself. More than love, you need (1) commitment and (2) some key compatibilities for a marriage to survive the storms of life. “Love” comes in as item (3). Perhaps number 4, now that I think about it, maybe even 5…anyway…I also realized later that those are all completely independent of each other. They barely even inform or motivate each other.

The new, hard lesson was the other side of that truth which is this: Love isn’t the most important part of making a marriage work and love alone can’t save one that won’t work. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, period. Not even between to loving, compassionate, beautiful people. Not even when those people really want it to.  

So yes, my apostasy was a milestone and a central issue in the ending of my marriage and yes the deep, conflicting feelings we had on the issue of religion would have been an ongoing source of major conflict (especially with regard to our children) and yes, that played a large part in my decision. But, if you ask me, the greater damage that religion did to us happened at the very beginning, when it took over, and took the place of the relationship itself. The commitment, the duty to the marriage as an institution and its key role in God’s plan was the first absolute. We had HUGE issues that we never would have, should have, or could have ignored had eternity not been the foregone conclusion. It turned out that we were only partially committed to each other. We were much more committed to “the marriage” and the idea of what we “should be” for each other and for the Church. My role as a worthy priesthood holder was, in many ways, more important than my role as husband friend or lover (Yes, brothers and sisters, I understand it’s all connected, and well-defined but it’s not as simple as that, is it?). Maybe if we hadn’t been so focused on how happy we were supposed to be, we might have been able to see much sooner some of these critical  threats.

On that note, one might think that I should owe the time I had to our faith, allowing us to ignore all that stuff. But I would argue that we may have had an easier start, but I think that ultimately it did more harm than good. That is not to say I regret the time I had with Angelica. I am deeply grateful for my time with such an amazing woman and for the unbelievable joy it was to love and be loved by her. I am grateful for that time and for the amazing children that we will forever share as their parents.

We are going into our first holiday season as a family with divorced parents. There are challenges and heartbreaks but there is hope and reason for rejoicing too. I will probably be telling you all about it.

Thank you for your time and attention.

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*I will be using the name Angelica in place of her real name.

The terrible power of faith: Javon Thompson

I have often said that it isn’t religion, per se, that I object to. It’s the faithful adherence to dogmatic certainties. This can take the form of devotion to state, party, economic principles, and causes both good and bad. Anytime people choose their ideology over evidence and reason it is a recipe for disaster.

I still maintain that this is true. But I have a particular bone to pick with religion here and now.

I just read the story: Slain boy's mom discusses cult life

I was livid, as I’m sure you are – whether you are religious or not. I would have been when I was a religious person too. It got me to thinking though. What other examples are there of this type of behavior, outside religious devotees? For instance I agree that faithful devotion to an idea like communism (or capitalism) can be and has been as disastrous as any religious belief but where is the communist equivalent of Madeline Kara Neumann? Where is the party affiliation equivalent of Preston Bowers or Lydia Schatz? Where is the North Korean example of that is comparable to the dozens or more children that are beaten and killed , or suffer preventable deaths due to the religious beliefs of their otherwise “sane and loving parents" every year?

I would call the events at Wako with the Branch Dividians primarily religious in nature and but I would concede a similarity to the political motivated stand off at Ruby Ridge. The Jamestown Massacre, however where parents fed the Kool-Aid to their children has no political equivalent that I’m aware of.

There are examples of mass murder on both religious and non-religious sides. There are disturbed people that have done horrific things for religious and non-religious reasons. I fail, however, to conceive of more than a couple instances where otherwise loving, sane parents neglect to care for their suffering children. There are some rare examples, equally horrific like Gloria Thomas Sam , Eliza Jane Scovill where the suffering and deaths we caused not by religious faith, but faith in pseudo science like homeopathy, etc. Aside from these I don’t know of any other time when parents will defy the conventional wisdom/medicine that offers to treat a terrible sickness tormenting their child without a religious reason. In some cases like with Jehovah’s Witnesses and blood transfusions, they KNOW it will save their child’s life but deny it anyway , not because they think that they have faith that God will heal their child, necessarily, but because they think that it would be better to die than to disobey God. This is almost exclusive to religion as far as I can see. It may not be YOUR religion but it IS almost exclusively religion that is to blame. This is the dreadful power of belief in heaven and hell. This is the single threat and promise that would justify this behavior to a rational human being. This why I have to speak out against it. Because all the religions in the world have this power and all the major religions have, at one time or another, exercised this power to the suffering and death of men women and children inside and outside their congregations. Name me one religious tradition that has more than a million members and I’m pretty sure I can find an example. My head is swimming with them right now.

If I am wrong and you can think of examples of this type of abuse done for secular reasons by “sane” people, besides the ones I have already listed please share them. I have already considered and discounted vaccine refusal - as dangerous and deplorable as it is, for reasons that, if not already apparent, can be addressed if anyone wishes me to.

Thank you.

Going Public: Introducing myself and providing some exposition

My name is Brian Wallace. I converted to the LDS faith (Mormon) in September of 1998. I was 22 years old. I had been in the Navy for 2 years and was just finishing up Power School in the Nuclear Power Program. I was baptized on the 28^th and I proposed to the close friend that had been so instrumental in my conversion on the same day. We got married in March of the following year and sealed in the Mt. Timpanogos Temple the following October. We now have three bright, beautiful, healthy, and happy children. The oldest is a girl (10) next, another girl (just turned 8 – this is a significant birthday to those who are familiar with Mormon doctrine) and the youngest is a boy (6). I separated from the Navy in September of 05 and went back to school, finishing my EE in three years – yes, ouch. Thankfully I have a great job in the field and have ever since I graduated.

In Nov 08 I started to have some serious doubts about the truthfulness of the doctrines of the Church. I think the doubts were there for a long time, but I was managing to ignore them pretty well until Prop's 8 and 102 came along. I disagreed with the arguments the church was making so strongly and disagreed that they were making them from the pulpit, in Church and in General Conference. I had to accept that I thought the prophet was wrong – dead wrong, and that started a ball rolling for me that, in no time flat, brought down the house of cards that was my faith. For a while, I didn't talk to my wife about my doubts because I thought that I might still overcome them and see my way back to "the truth". If I am honest I think I have to acknowledge the possibility that I simply didn't want to go into that fight without a LOT of ammo. I truly don't know. I let her in on my 'secret' sometime in early 2009. From the beginning it has been horrible for her. It threatened everything that she has worked so hard for. Namely a happy, eternal family sealed in the Temple and blessed by the presence of a strong priesthood holder.

I talked with my Bishop who is a great guy and who tried to help me and didn't condescend or attack my doubts. I continued to talk with him and with my father in law about my questions and doubts while maintaining an active presence in the Church. I did this for many months but it quickly became clear that this wasn't going to work for me; in fact it seemed to increase my agitation with the church's teachings. I felt like such a hypocrite. What I needed was to be done. Not only did I know it wasn't true. I also knew it wasn't good. I didn't want to support it anymore. I requested to be released, then worked for a couple months longer until I was finally released in March of 2010. I haven't been back to Church since, except for events that my kids were participating in – to show support for them. I haven't paid tithing since then but I considered my income shared with my wife so she continued to pay tithing on half of what we make.

I am not only no longer a Mormon, I am no longer a theist. I am an Atheist-Agnostic, or a soft Atheist. If you don't spend time in reading or thinking about these terms you may have a misconception about what these mean. I have learned, from the few conversations I have had on the subject that most people do. I doubt that there is a God of any kind, but I do not attempt to state that with any language of absolutes. I do however strongly contend that the God of the Abrahamic Faiths does not exist, nor does any of the other Gods (dogmatic divine characterizations of organized religions) I have thus far been introduced to. I do not consider faith a virtue and value free-thought and skepticism, physical evidence and reasoned logic. I have read ferociously the works of Russell, Hitchens, Harris, Armstrong and others. I have re-read the Bible (a truly eye opening experience many believers surprisingly have never had) and the Book of Mormon and I have started to monitor some great Youtube channels that produce some really great videos discussing these topics.

This is the point in my life where I am starting this Blog. My wife and I are still working out what this means for us, for our kids, how to live with not just simply different worldviews but diametrically opposed ones. I had a blog for a time where I worked out my thoughts about my loss of faith, and I kept it anonymous because open, public dissension and criticism of the Church mandates ex-communication. I was fine with that but not ready for what it might mean for my wife. I don't want to hide it anymore, and really I haven't been locally for a while. I want to be open about my thoughts and feelings on the subjects of faith, reason, and the political and spiritual climates I see. I will be requesting my name removed from the records of the Church and I will share my thoughts with all that care to listen (so talk to myself, really). I don't have many voices of support in my sphere, but I am grateful to them. I am also grateful for the feedback I get from those that don't support my worldview. It is feedback and perspective I am after here, so please comment, constructively, critically, neither - I don't care. Please tell me all the places I've got it wrong and the occasional ones where I might have got it right. I also have the small hope that my thoughts may help others.

I intend to post around every week or so but I imagine that I will be pretty inconsistent. I am grateful for your time, attention and feedback. I will try not to waste it with poor writing (I tend to ramble, I know).

Thank you.

Brian (Henceforth GA)